He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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