Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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