Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
