listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
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When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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