His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
