I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
