my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
