I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
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