Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
