Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
