FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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