come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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