I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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