im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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