I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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