I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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