You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
