she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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