im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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