I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
