I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
