Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
