The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
