my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
