the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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