She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
There's always time for handjobs
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
How external is "for external use only"?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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