There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
