woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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