Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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