There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
