Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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