Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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