i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
