Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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