When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
