The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
