It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
