my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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