if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
tell me about the fingering
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