I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
