The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
