kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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