Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
