so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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