I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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