why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
