I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
