Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
