what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
