I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
