i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
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The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
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I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize