I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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