took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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