I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
