Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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