Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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